Percy Jackson and the Penguin of Doom
by Imtotallynormal
Summary: Summary- WARNING WARNING may contain outrageous amounts of red bull, well it would but Nico drank them all. Also contains slash, randomness, pie and more slash. LUKVER FTW!
1. Nico drinks the red bull of doom

**A/N another one word fic type thing by queenoftheoutlands and I, the others are on her profile. This was written during a random free at school. Do not read if you cannot handle complete and utter crazyness, slash, complete and utter OOC, slash, and red bull**

**We do** **apologise ********if people find this completely and utterly bonkers and weird, BUT that was the whole idea and if you don't like that sort of thing don't read :D :D :D**

**Pairings- Percy/Annabeth (not Chiron) Luke/Grover, Nico/red bull, Nico/tree, Nico/Thalia, Nico/Percy, NICO/EVERYONE :D**

**Sadly we do not own Percy Jackson but we do own Scarfland, the fish of love and the penguin of doom :)**

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Chapter 1- Nico drinks the red bull of doom and Grover gets some ;)

One sunny afternoon, a fish walked up to Annabeth and said "the hippo's on vacation, I am the FISH of Luuuurrrrvvvveee"

(He said vacation because, for once, we are in AMERICA!! Yay! Not England, or Scarfland, or Oz, or Mars as we enjoy trips to pig farts.)

Annabeth was confused and one of the Aphrodite homies said to her "you like look so like confusified, like"

Annabeth got her spork out of her pocked and hit her repeatedly on the forehead.

"Like OWW!" cried the Aphrodite girl, "You so like ruined my makeup, betch!" The fish of Luuuurrrrvvvveee shrugged and disappeared in a poof of blue smoke.

MEAN WHILE

Percy and Grover went walking through the woods until they came across Luke sitting by a pond. Grover got excited; he liked Luke's eyebrows very much. (Did u notice the semicolon? My English teacher wants to marry a semicolon!!) Percy was very disturbed by what happened next so he ran to find some comfort with some chocolate mousse.( oh and he also looked very cute, like he normally does when confused 3)

(Oh you would like us to elaborate on what happened next. You sure? It is very disturbing! So disturbing that you might begin to eat socks! Oh you don't mind, are you secretly called Morgana?? Okay then)

Grover looked at Luke. Luke looked at Grover. Grover blushed. Luke did the suggestive eyebrow thingy that Arthur does so well.

(You really like the taste of socks, ok)

Grover said "I really really really really like your eyebrows".

"That's what they all say" replied Luke. It was at this point that perky Percy ran away.

(He doesn't like the taste of socks).

It was at this point that a new slash couple was officially born. And lets just say they made Lukver pie with lots of marshmallows. ;)

(This is nothing at all like Luklar pie. Despite the eyebrow thing… And the evilness thing… and the all round hotness thing… MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! Freak)

(Wait is that even possible!!! Grover's a goat satyr thingy!)

MEANWHILE

Percy finished eating his chocolate mousse and went to find his one true love, no not Chiron as he is Percy's uncle and that's just gross, come to think of it he's half horse *pukes*. Any way I mean Annabeth, but he couldn't find Annabeth but he did find Nico talking to a pine tree.

"What are you doing, Nico?" asked Percy confusedly.

"Well… I'm… practising asking… Thalia out," Nico said turning bright red.

"OO-KAY" said Percy "I thought she was, you know, not allowed to do that."

"Oh she left, and now that means she is the same age as me. YIPPPEEE YIPPEEE YIPPEEEE!"

Percy looked around and saw lots of Red bull cans on the floor, hmm that explains it... LOOK A GIANT CHEESE MONSTER!! Percy's brain even confuses him sometimes. Percy decided to join Nico in the energy drink drinking and also went bananas, and they danced the conga long into the night.

"Mwuhahahaha hahaha ha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha *big intake of breath* ahahahahaha" laughed the evil penguin "My evil plan is almost complete."

( "awessssooooomeee" said author number one. "Please don't hurt Percy he is too cute," Said author number 2. "Do we eat socks now" asked Morgana.)

TO BE CON TIN UED

(Ooh the world hasn't exploded, yet!)


	2. The prophecy form scene 21!

A/N- heres chapter 2 and its starting to get a bit more serious, but only a little bit.

ENJOY :)

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Right, thought Chiron. This madness must stop, I shall call a meeting.

A BIT LATER AROUND THE TABLE TENNIS TABLE!

"Campers I am afraid about what is happening. A random spout of randomosity has spread across the camp. _Wibble_" said Chiron.

"Could it be something to do with those roundtree randoms that you are eating, monkey socks," said Percy.

"NEVER" screamed Chiron! "They will never be evil WOOF"

"Sorry Chiron, I don't want to worry you or anything but DO U KNOW WHERE GROVER AND LUKE ARE?" cried Annabeth "I am worried because I love them muchly."

"Oi! I thought you loved me muchly," said Percy hurt.

"Well I do love you more Seaweed Brain. Much more so muchly, I love you more then I love grapes," Annabeth said dreamily.

"How can you love Peter Johnson more then grapes?" said an enraged Mr D.

"Oh and just to point out" said Nico. "I love Percy the most, almost as much as I love Zefron!"

(Actually author number 2 loves Percy the most :P)

"Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt," rose a nervous squeaky voice from the back of the crowd. "But Clarisse just exploded and there's a packet of Minstrels where she was standing."  
"Hmmm." Chiron stroked his chin in a very thoughtful way like thoughtful people do when they are thinking thoughtful thoughts. The campers watched him. Chiron thought. The campers watched. Somewhere in New Zealand, a chicken was watching Strictly Come Dancing.  
Suddenly a look of absolute terrified horror crossed Chiron's face, which was a good clue to the fact that he was both terror-and-horrified.  
"Did you say a packet of Minstrels?" he cried in horror-terror.  
"Erm, yes, I did actually," said the random Apollo person who had mentioned them before. "Erm, sir, Clarisse just un-exploded but I think there's something wrong with her."  
"Moo-neigh," went Clarisse.  
"I just thought that was how she normally spoke," Annabeth whispered to Percy, who gigglesnorted loudly and caused Clarisse to bark in indignation.  
Meanwhile, Chiron was turning the approximate colour of a used sunburned newspaper (that is, red)  
"I know those tactics anywhere!" he muttered to himself. "They are the terrible tactics of my sworn and most deadly nasty and terror-horrifying enemy!"  
"What, Kronos?" asked Nico.  
"No! Of course not Kronos! He was baked into a pie, wibble!" cried Chiron. "This is even worse!"  
Everyone screamed like little girly girls from Essex with pigtails.  
"This can only mean one thing," said Chiron. He added in a dramatic pause, for effect. "A QUEST!"  
"Yay!" went the campers.  
"And Percy and Nico will go on the quest because they are awesome and I say so, wibble."  
"Yay!" went Percy and Nico. Annabeth grumbled. The Aphrodite girls were thankful as a quest would, like, totally ruin their hair. Clarisse made a vague noise and went to annoy some sheep because she had suddenly turned welsh-ish.

"You must..." said Chiron, with another dramatic pause, "CONSULT THE ORACLE!"  
"Hurry Nico!" cried Percy in excitement. "To the Seaweed-mobile!"  
They got in the seaweed-mobile and drove off to the room where the Oracle was. When they went in they saw it was bigger on the inside and looked exactly like a tent.  
"YOU DIDN'T KNOCK!" cried a familiar voice. "CLOSE YOUR EYES." There was a pause. "Foolish mortals," the Rachel added.  
"What the fridge?" said Nico, but he and Percy closed their eyes anyway. There was a click.  
"You may open your eyes now... foolish mortals."  
They did so and suddenly began choking because someone had turned a smoke machine on way to high.  
"Now you may enter."  
They went further into the room, bashing into a lot of knee-high things painfully because the smoke meant they couldn't see where they were going, and finally they reached the beanbag where the Rachel was. She was wearing lots and lots of tacky jewellery and had a lot table in front of her on which there were several empty Costa coffee takeaway caramel latte cups and a large crystal ball.  
"Erm, Chiron gave us a quest," said Percy.  
"I know that!" snapped the Rachel. "I am the Oracle. I know everything."  
"Sheesh, state the obvious much?" muttered Nico.  
"Hush!" cried the Oracle. "Or I won't tell you anything. Mwahaha."  
"Woah!" said Percy. "Did you just evil laugh?"  
"... No."  
"Oh, alright then."  
"Anyway. I have been reading your coffee leaves. They say that you need to find Grover on your quest."  
"Oh no!" yelled Percy in terror-horror (which is not the same thing as horror-terror). "The last time I saw Grover, he and Luke were doing unspeakable things including suggestive eyebrows by a pond. Only Nico's red bull saved me from being seriously mentally scarred for life!"  
"Yeah. And?"  
Percy shut his mouth. The Rachel stretched her hands over the crystal ball. Nico opened his mouth.  
"Rachel, you do know that thing is just plast..."  
"SHUT UP OR NO CHOCOLATE... I mean QUEST!"  
Nico shut up. The Oracle began to speak.  
"Är detta en kaka jag ser framför mig med tenticles stället för händer. Det tillhör en galen pingvin of Doom och i mitt kaffe lämnar jag ser du är olycklig död i en ton av moltn parmesanost. Synd att. "  
Percy and Nico looked at each other confusedly. They both looked very adorable when confusified.  
"In English please?" said Percy.

The Oracle glared at Percy but closed her eyes and began to speak again, this time in English though not very plain English.

Travel to the place with the cave,  
You will experience lots of waves,

And on your quest you will find true love,

There will be no opersition for up above,

Be where of the dancing god,

Do not trust the one that nods,

What light through yonder window breaks,

Oh no it is the fates.

Nico looked very adorably confusified.  
"Well, that made very little sense."  
The Oracle stuck her tongue out at him.  
"Not my problem you silly not-quite-engleesh pigdog. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."  
In fear and confusion Percy and Nico hurriedly left the tent, not a clue wiser about this quest than they had been five minutes previously. On their way out they passed Chirion, who was now wearing his underpants on his head and had a couple of pencils stuffed up his nose.  
"Good luck heroes, wibble," he sang happily and went to play volleyball with some party ponies.

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**Review please or fluffy the terrible will come and eat you :P**


	3. We haven't thought of a title yet

**Warning contains slash and crazy nicknames :/ lol :D**

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Percy picked up his bag and walked out of cabin 3 with a smile on his face. He hadn't been outside camp all summer and now he was going on a quest. Well if you could call that mumble jumble that the oracle had said a quest. Percy could see NICO and Chiron, or chizza as he now insisted that everyone had to call him, in the distance by Thalias tree. He thought about the other night when he danced the conga with Nico around that tree and smiled.  
"Percy! I'm excited" cried Nico. "I've never had a proper quest before"  
Infect Nico was jumping up and down with excitement: Percy remembered his first adventure and smiled. (His keeps doing that.)  
"Oi seaweed brain" said a voice behind Percy.  
It was Annabeth running up towards him. "You haven't said goodbye"  
"sorry"'Percy replied sheepishly, "I just assumed you would come to see me off like a loving girl friend should" he added with a wink. NICO looked sick and Percy gave him an apologetic look.  
Thalia then ran in and grabbed Nico and kissed him. Nico look so shocked that Annabeth thought he might faint. Percy felt really sick.

This caused Percy to think ("and that really worries me" says one of the authors in a very girly voice) why was he feeling guilty about Nico seeing him flirting with his girl friend and why did it make him  
feel sick when Thalia grabbed Nico and kissed him. Chiron, sorry Chizza, cleared his throat loudly.

"Percy and Nico really ought to go now. Grover's not going to save himself."  
Percy and Nico set off down the hill waving at the others. Percy had decided to pretend he couldn't hear Annabeth calling him hunnimunchkin. After about 10 minutes of uncomfortable silence Percy decided that he would break it.  
"Sooo Nico, you and Thalia, eh?" Percy asked, trying not to sound like one of the Aphrodite girls when wanting to know some gossip.  
"Yeah... I like Thalia" he said, trying to reassure himself that that was the case. "did I hear Annabeth call you hunnimunchkin?" he asked desperately trying to change the subject.  
"Erm," Percy squirmed, his ears turning bright red. I can trust Nico he thought. He needed to talk to someone about his relationship with Annabeth. He really liked her but she just got too annoying sometimes. He couldn't talk to Grover, he would just tell her, and she knew how to get information out of the satyr.  
"Percy," Nico said seeing Percy struggling with the words. "You know u can tell me anything right."  
Percy was about to begin talking when it suddenly started to snow.

Luckily there was an abandoned shack nearby that they could shelter in.  
"In there," shouted Nico as the snow turned into a blizzard.  
They ran to the shack. Inside there were a group of frogs, with eyebrows, jumping about, but as soon as they saw Percy and Nico they hopped out the door. Percy and Nico looked at each other and burst out laughing. Percy looked around the room there was one very small sofa and a pile of thread bare rugs in a corner.  
"Looks like we're stuck here for the night," sighed Percy, although he was secretly ecstatic, Nico smiled secretly. "What were you saying before the blizzard" he prompted.  
"Well.... Erm..... I like someone else" Percy managed.  
Percy looked like he was about to pass out so Nico lead him to the sofa. Once sat down Percy looked a lot better and was ready to talk again.  
"The trouble is, this person is kinda forbidden" Percy said sadly.  
Nico looked down at his hands, not sure what to say to that.  
"Thank you" said Percy patting Nico on the knee. "I really needed to say that to someone."  
They sat in silence for a few minutes. All the time Nico was aware of Percy hand on his knee.  
"Well I suppose I know what you mean," Nico said finally, looking down at Percy's hand. Percy looked him straight in the face.  
"You do?" but didn't push Nico harder because it was clear that the black haired boy didn't want to elaborate on that.  
" I think I will try and get some sleep now." Nico said finally meeting Percy's eye.  
Nico got off the couch and made a bed for himself on the floor.

After a couple of hours Nico woke up freezing.  
"P-P-Percy he shivered, teeth chattering. "It's really cold"  
Percy looked down at the younger boy on the floor. It was clear if he didn't do some thing that Nico would defiantly be turned into a block of ice cream.  
"Right Nico, get up here" Percy instructed patting the sofa next to me.  
He crawled onto the sofa next to Percy.

Nico lay on the sofa as far away from Percy as possible and tried to get comfortable. Well as comfortable as you can get on the worlds smallest sofa and tried to get some sleep. After what seemed like ages Percy whispered ,"Are you awake?"

"No"

"You are"

"Am not"

"Are too"

Nico was way too proud to give in, and he kind of liked the flirty playful tone of Percy's voice. So he made a fake snoring sound.

Percy laughed and pushed Nico.

"Hey!" Nico protested and pushed Percy back.

"Rights that's it," Percy laughed and pushed the smaller boy again. Soon they were having a mock fight whilst lying on the small sofa; somehow they fell off the sofa.

They fell of the sofa laughing.  
Suddenly Nico was vary aware of Percy laying on top of him. He wriggled trying to get away but Percy suddenly kissed him. Nico froze Percy was kissing him. Percy Jackson son of Poseidon was kissing him.  
Percy quickly drew away.  
"I'm sorry Nico, I know u don't feel the s-" but Nico stopped him with another kiss.  
"Shh" he whispered and pulled Percy back onto the sofa.  
Nico woke the next morning curled up against Percy's chest. Percy looked down at the younger boy.  
"You look so cute when you sleep" he chuckled.  
"You look so cute all the time" pointed out Nico with a smile.  
Percy lent down to kiss Nico, half way through kiss NICO's stomach rumbled.  
"Time for some food," Percy laughed.  
He disentangled himself from Nico and walked over to where they had  
left their bags. He picked up his bag and glanced in.  
"Er, Nico did u pack any food?"  
"Huh? Food no I thought you had packed it" Nico replied  
"shiiiiiiiiiit."  
"what?"  
"We didn't pack any food!."  
"Shiiiiiiiiiit."  
Nico got up off the sofa and walked into the window.  
"Well the snow seems to have stopped, we can go out and find something  
to war" Nico said.  
They wrapped themselves in the blankets and walked out side.

TO BE CONTINUED

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**Well that kinda got serious then, hmm don't worry there are many hilarious things coming in chapter 4**

**Review or the evil shark of insanity will attack dundundundundun :P**


	4. Percy can ride his bike with

Chapter 4 PERCY CAN RIDE HIS BIKE WITH NO HANDLEBARS

Please don't kill us for not updating for ages...um we don't really have an excuse. This is the 2nd to last chapter. Enjoy :D

We do not own I'm afraid.

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About twenty minutes of fruitless (pardon the pun) exploring later the two boys found themselves in front of some inexplicable banana trees.

"Well, that's pretty inexplicable, considering the snow" said Nico

"And you're the son of the Greek God of the Dead. Isn't that sort of inexplicable," Percy countered. Nino looked confused, and it was adorable.

"Soo," Nico said, trying not to act confused, "are you gonna climb that tree or me?"

"Erm..." said Percy

"Off you go then."

Percy started to climb one of the trees slowly.

"This isn't exactly easy, Nico," Percy stated.

"I think it is." Nico's voice came from above him and slightly to the right. Percy looked up and found Nico up a tree beside him eating a banana.

Percy stared in confusion? "How did you do that?" he asked. "What are you, part monkey?

"I don't think so," said Nico

"Well throw me some bananas then."

Nico thought about it.

"Nah."

"Why," Percy asked angrily.

"Because there is a giant dancing slice of toast at the bottom of the tree grinning manically and carrying a flick knife

Percy looked at there giant slice of dancing toast and decided not to risk it "erm, how are you supposed to get down/"

Nico grinned manically. "Maaaaaagic."

Percy face palmed. "I think there might be something wrong with you," he said.

Nico grinned some more, swaying from side to side. "Look!" he sing-songed, pointing into the distance. "I can see the Eiffel Tower."

"Ooh Percyyyyyyyyyyyy, did you know you quite possibly have the cutest nose anyone has ether had," Nico slurred.

"Yes I might have a cute nose but there is a Dancing piece of toast with a flick knife down there!" Percy snapped

No Persy, There is no toast just you and mee and some twees

"Nico," Percy called up, "are you sure there isn't something wrong with those bananas?"

Percy drew Riptide. It was time to sort this here shit out. He jumped out the tree and did a land-on-all-fours-and-roll-because-I-am-a-action-hero-thing. He jumped up and went into battle mode.

The giant dancing slice of toast ran away but not before throwing some marmite at him in self defence

"Ooh, flowers!" cried Nico

Once the toast had ran away Nico said, "Hey, I can see Grover and Luke."

"No you can't you're drugged." Percy said.

"But I can... I wish I couldn't but I can"

Percy started to climb the tree.

"Hurry up, hurry up," Nico said hurriedly.

Percy picked up his pace and managed to get to the top of the tree in super quick time.

"ARGH! MY EYES! WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN?" Percy cried once he had seen Grover and Luke. They were in a rather precarious position... and it looked like they were enjoying it.

"Erm are they...Um..."Percy asked, looking slightly weirded out.

"Yeah, I think they are." Nico asked with the same look on his face.

"Do you, um, want to, um, try that?" Percy asked.

Before Nico could reply a female voice came from behind them. "Zeus above, what took you so long?" Annabeth said. The blonde girl was standing with a fish. A standing talking fish.

"Well, we got hit by a snow storm, got attacked by a giant slice of toast and Percy kissed me." Nico said matter of factly. "But no time to explain lets go get Luke and Grover."

He grabbed Percy's hand and the jumped out the tree together and walked off.

Annabeth looked at the fish who shrugged and said, "Well it is true love."

They hurried off after the boys.

Percy and Nico were getting tiered out. The trees were taller then they had thought they were. It had looked like Luke and Grover where a couple of hundred metres away but in truth it was more like miles. This meant that Percy and Nico where getting tired out quickly. As the were walking along, Nico tripped over a pare of bikes on the floor.

"Hey lets ride these, it will get us there quicker," Nico said once he had recovered from tripping over.

They got on the bikes and started cycling.

"Hey Nico," Percy said. "Guess what."

"Hmm, What?"

"I can ride my bikes with no handlebars."

"Yes, but can you keep rhythm with no metronome,"

Cycling had defiantly been the better option. They soon found Luke and Grover. Who were in a slightly more innocent position then when they had seen them from afar. Luke was stroking Grover's leg hair.

"WE FOUND YOU!" Nico and Percy said in unison.

As there was no danger, the fish magicked them back to camp half blood.

It was clear as soon as they arrived back that the camp was readying for battle. There were campers everywhere tending to their weapons and practicing. Nico and Percy walked over to Chiron.

"Woah, what's happened?" Percy asked.

"We have had information about an impending attack from the self proclaimed penguin of doom. He sent us a message yesterday demanding us to give up the Oracle. "

Nico was speechless.

"talking of the oracle," Percy said," I think she'd maybe been drugged or something because our prophecy was completely and utter bollocks."

"Okay, I will send someone up to see her. Meanwhile I think you need to speak to Annabeth, she looks a bit angry with you." Chiron said.

"Okay, see you in a bit."

Percy walked up to Annabeth, who wasn't with the giant fish anymore. She was standing on the end of the pontoon that they go kayaking off of. She was also wearing a rather ridiculous English world war one tin helmet.

"You kissed Nico." She simply stated when Percy walked up to her.

"I'm so sorry," he said, feeling guilty.

"Its okay, there is just something I have to do first before I can forgive you."

Percy looked adorably confused. Annabeth danced up to Percy and slapped him around the face with two fish. Percy new he was in the wrong but he couldn't put up with this, he reached into his pocket and got the giant fish that he kept in there for situations like this. He slapped her round the face with it and she fell in the water, leaving the tin hat on the pontoon.

Just at that point the attack warning bells rang. The penguin was here.

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Dun-dun-DUHH

:DDD


End file.
